


Untitled Document

by Kerriathechosen1



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Needs a Hug, Depression, Family Feels, Family Secrets, Good Deceit Sanders, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, No Character Death, Sad Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Sad Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, dark themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:07:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23606509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kerriathechosen1/pseuds/Kerriathechosen1
Summary: Roman just wanted to grab his odd goofball of a brother and go out on a quest.What he finds in his brother's room is jarring, for the whole family.
Comments: 21
Kudos: 141





	Untitled Document

Roman cringed as he stood outside his brother’s doorway, trying to ignore what he hoped was just red paint splattered all over the wood. Somewhere within was the most disturbing of Remus’s music playlists, currently playing the most painful sounding nails-on-the-chalkboard screeches.

Sometimes Roman wondered what the hell he was doing, standing in front of Remus’s door, willingly subjecting himself to his brother’s odd company. He’d said it before — Remus was everything he didn’t want to be. Remus taunted and scared and pestered him all of the time, and sometimes Roman could say with absolute certainty that he hated him.

And yet… here he was, asking for Remus to accompany him on an adventure. Because, really, there was no one like Remus for an ally. No one else complimented his fighting style nearly as well — except perhaps Virgil, but Virgil didn’t need the extra anxiety. And even if he did agree to come… it just wouldn’t be the same. The creative twins were a  _ set _ . They once belonged together, because they were  _ one  _ being, and even though Roman was embarrassed by his brother’s actions and appearance… he felt empty without him.

So Remus would come after him, and Roman would pretend to be annoyed. But when Remus avoided him for some time, Roman would put up a begrudging front and offer him a spot on his team. As dark and demented as Remus could be, the way his eyes would twinkle was like the stars in the night sky. Roman was the sun, but sometimes, he needed the stars to come out and bring him down to earth.

So here he was. Roman cleared his throat and knocked sharply against the door, listening to the echo it made down the hallway. Typically Remus would be there before his hand left the door, vibrating with excitement. Very rarely did anyone pay him a visit. Sure, Deceit and Logan were used to his presence, but they never went looking for him. Patton came by once in a while with some snacks or just to check up on him if he didn’t join for meals. But otherwise, no one really went looking for Remus, because no one had the time or energy for him. They knew that, if he needed interaction badly enough, he’d come running out without their encouragement.

But when Roman waited five seconds, then ten, then twenty, an unsettling feeling arose in his gut. He tried to ignore this feeling and knocked again, more forcefully.

“Remus? I’m about to set off on a quest. Are you coming?” He called out loudly, wondering if his brother was asleep, or couldn’t hear him above the music. (If you could call it that.)   
But there was nothing. Roman puzzled over the situation, then decided to take a risk. He gently turned the doorknob, finding it unlocked. He slowly pushed the door open, wincing as it creaked like a door in a horror movie. He realized this was probably one of his brother’s pranks, meant to scare him. Telling himself to relax, he stood tall and entered the room.

Remus’s room was nothing like Roman’s. It was nearly pitch-black, with green glow-in-the-dark paint splattered in seemingly random splotches around the room. Roman saw other markings on the wall, some clearly twisted surrealism paintings that he couldn’t quite make out in the darkness, others probably meant to look like blood-stains. On the floor, a very clear red carpet path was made up to his desk, where his laptop sat open, his music playlist pulled up.

The path looked like it was meant for Roman to use, so he did, walking right up to the laptop. He didn’t hear anything except for the music, leading him to believe that Remus wasn’t there, or he was committed to acting like he wasn’t there. Not even the slight sound of a breath, or a slight movement of the shadows. Roman knew he shouldn’t be tricked, but he was fairly confident that Remus wasn’t in the room at all. He didn’t know why he should believe that, but he did.

He glanced at the laptop, then did a double-take. There were two windows pulled up on his brother’s laptop. Roman hesitated, knowing he probably didn’t want to see whatever Remus was hiding from him. Considering how little Remus DID hide, it probably was very, very bad.

And yet… Roman was curious. He didn’t like secrets being kept from him, and now that he knew, there was no way he could just walk away. He placed one palm against the desk to lean on, and used the other hand to click onto the second window with the mouse. (Which was, of course, designed like one of the rats from Coraline, but with sharp teeth coming out of the front and soulless eyes that seemed to stare at him.) He shuddered and turned his eyes away, instead looking at the new window that came up.

“Untitled Document.”

Roman scoffed as he recognized the format of a Google Docs file. Everyone knew Microsoft Word was  _ so  _ much better.

But he was curious as to why Remus chose this format. He and his brother wrote in journals and notebooks all of the time, but sometimes they preferred to use Word or Powerpoint to express themselves more creatively. What interested Roman was why his brother used his  _ Google _ account — the  _ one  _ account Roman refused to share or look at (who knew what might come up on his brother’s search engine?) — for this document.

Unable to hold back his curiosity any longer, his eyes fell to the document itself and he began to read the first line.

And his heart began to break.

_ I don’t want to get better. _

_ I don’t want help. _

_ I don’t want to continue. _

_ I don’t want to live. _

Roman had to stop himself and reread those lines. It felt as if a sinkhole had opened up inside of him. He gulped. Either this was a prank, or… or this was very, very serious. Roman glanced around the room, but there was still no sound, other than Remus’s music, which Roman didn’t bother changing. He hardly even noticed it; all his attention fell onto his brother’s words.

_ I don’t want to die. _

_ I don’t want to stop. _

_ I don’t want to keep going. _

_ I want to stop feeling this way. _

_ I don’t want to keep feeling this way. _

_ ‘Feeling what way?’ _ Roman thought, unnerved. Remus always seemed so happy-go-lucky, never down about anything. Roman almost couldn’t  _ imagine  _ something being wrong.

It was ironic. They avoided Remus because of his “eccentricity” — a kinder word for his dirty humor, off-putting habits, and dark tendencies. He knew Remus had terrible thoughts; his starring video was literally titled “Dealing With Intrusive Thoughts”. How had he not foreseen them affecting him?

Roman was a terrible brother.

So, naturally, he kept reading.

_ I don’t want to hurt myself. _

_ ‘Then please don’t,’ _ Roman thought miserably to himself, but he knew it wasn’t that easy.

_ I don’t want to be numb. _

_ I don’t want to fail. _

_ I don’t want to wake up. _

_ I don’t want to move. _

Remus was the most energetic out of all of them. To imagine him weighed down by the world… that just wasn’t him.

Did Roman even know his own brother?

_ I don’t want to hurt others. _

_ I don’t want to disappoint others. _

_ I don’t want people to hate me. _

Roman closed his eyes for a moment.  _ ‘Oh, Remus…’ _

_ I don’t want I djknvsdjfoidvmlkdfmvsjodm _

_ I don’t want therapy. _

_ I don’t want to tell anyone. _

_ I want it all to stop. _

_ I don’t want to die. _

_ I don’t want to ignore it. _

_ I don’t wskjvdnfkjdnv _

_ I hate myself _

_ I can’t stand me _

_ I’m annoying I’m stupid I’m needy I’m ugly I’m repulsive _

_ I’m lonely I’m anxious I’m empty I’m worthless I’m unneeded _

Roman collapsed into Remus’s desk chair, shaking his head.  _ ‘No. No, no, no. That’s not true. That’s not true at all. We do need you… I do, at least.’ _

He wished Remus would walk in right at that moment, so he could give him a big hug.

He wanted to believe it was just a prank, but that was getting harder and harder to believe.

_ I don’t know what to do _

_ I can’t kill myself _

Roman sucked in a deep breath.

_ I can’t keep going on like this _

_ But I can’t tell anyone _

_ They’ll hate me even more _

_ This isn’t that bad _

_ Virgey probably deals with worse _

_ I’m fine _

_ I’m really not fine _

_ I don’t know what’s wrong with me _

_ I don’t know what I can do _

_ I’m sorry _

_ I’m so sorry _

_ I shouldn’t be here _

_ I don’t deserve to be here _

_ Roman deserves a better brother _

Roman had to stop reading for a moment. He jumped to his feet and started pacing around the room, nervously running his fingers through his hair. How long? How long had Remus been feeling this way? Was everything just an act? How harsh had he been to Remus, intentionally or not, to warrant… this?

Roman realized in that instant that Remus was so, so wrong. He loved his brother, flaws and all. Brothers were supposed to be at each other’s throats sometimes, but that shouldn’t diminish their bond. Deep down, Roman had always known that. But somehow, Remus hadn’t.

After a few minutes of pacing, and planning out how he was going to rectify this, he plopped back down in the chair and forced himself to continue.

_ Dee deserves a better friend _

_ Patton and Logan and Virgil and Thomas shouldn’t have to deal with my shit _

_ Thomas doesn’t even like me _

_ Virgil doesn’t even like me _

_ Logan doesn’t even like me _

_ Patton doesn’t even like me _

_ Dee doesn’t even like me _

_ Ro doesn’t even like me _

_ ‘Lies,’ _ Roman thought bitterly. The others had slowly gotten around to accepting the dark sides, Remus included. Sure, Deceit and Logan rarely showed their emotions, but Roman had seen Deceit pull a blank face when Remus said something funny, then watch him with an endearing little smirk while Remus walked away. And Patton adored all his “children”, Remus included. Although it took a little to get used to his sense of humor, Patton seemed to understand him better than anyone else, and they spent a surprising amount of time together in good spirits.

_ None of the viewers even like me _

_ I should go _

_ I don’t know where to go _

_ I can’t, don’t deserve to live _

“No. No, that’s not— Damn it, Re. No.”

_ I wish I could be better _

_ But I don’t want to be better _

_ Being better sounds boring, empty _

_ I’m disgusting and worthless _

_ I’m everything wrong with the world _

_ I’m the fun-house mirror, without any fun _

_ I’m what Roman doesn’t want to be _

_ Who would want to be me _

_ I don’t _

Guilt stabbed at Roman like a knife. He wished he hadn’t said that. He hadn’t known Remus could hear him. It was cruel. It wasn’t intended to push him closer to the brink, though.

_ I should kill myself _

_ I can’t hurt myself enough _

_ I’m weak _

_ I can’t cut myself and bleed out and bleed out and bleed out and bleed out and bleed out and bleed out it doesn’t work it doesn’t doesn’t doesn’t doesn’t and I try, I really try, I pass out and wake up and I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m not, nothing does it _

_ Nothing does the trick _

_ Not bashing my head into a wall _

_ Not a fall from a building or a cliff _

_ (I mean they’re imaginary but if the pain is real, why the fuck isn’t death) _

_ Car crashes don’t do it either _

_ It’s annoying as all hell, but not more annoying than me _

_ I can’t find it, I gotta find it _

_ I can’t _

_ I don’t want to _

Roman choked back a sob. Remus had tried. And not just once. He had no idea how often. Roman covered his mouth with one hand, daring to reread that segment to confirm he’d read it right. Unfortunately, he did.

_ Weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks _

_ And weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks _

_ Subconscious might do it, but that’s no fun, I need to feel pain _

_ I deserve to feel in the end _

_ No, no, you don’t deserve anything _

_ Fuck fuck fuckity fuck _

_ Double D and Sleep patrol the area too much anyway _

_ They can’t know _

_ … Can they? _

_ Maybe one of them hates me enough to do it for me _

_ But which one _

_ Virgil thinks I’m worthless enough _

_ But that would stain poor Patton’s image of him _

_ Eh, Patton himself prolly split Creativity, I’m sure he wanted me dead to begin with _

_ That’s a huge risk though. Not that I’m against risks _

_ That one just doesn’t seem fun _

_ I don’t deserve fun, I’m worthless enough _

_ I don’t know what to do _

_ Could go to Patton but he might send me to Picani _

_ That guy can take a plunge into the Titanic _

_ He’s boring, he’s wrong, he doesn’t get it _

_ My life has no happy ending; I’m not Roman _

_ If I were Roman life would be unicorns and sunshine _

_ That shit’s not me _

Roman sighed. If only his life could be pure happiness. It wasn’t that simple. If that was what whoever or whatever caused the split intended, it was a nice thought, but he couldn’t be pure good and Remus couldn’t be pure evil. They were never meant to be opposites; they were meant to be equals. Remus was right, they weren’t supposed to be the same, but that didn’t mean they didn’t deserve the same chance at happiness.

_ I’d rather stab myself 37 times in the chest _

_ Oh wait, I did, that didn’t work _

_ Had to try a few times, more like dozens, just couldn’t last past sixteen the first time _

_ Gotta know where to aim _

Roman felt sick imagining it — his brother, passing out after stabbing himself in the chest so many times, desperately trying to stay conscious as the life began to leave his eyes, just so he could break through more skin and let out more blood. There was a reason they didn’t discuss Remus’s thoughts. But Roman would much rather discuss them than make Remus bottle them up inside until… he thought he had to let them out on himself.

Patton believed in repression, and so did Roman to some extent, but when it started having physical repercussions, even  _ he  _ knew something had to change.

_ But yeah therapy is bullshit, cross that off the list _

_ Back to square one _

_ Can’t get help, I don’t need it, I don’t know where to go, no one wants me, no one would help me _

_ They can’t know how weak I am _

_ Roman wouldn’t take a suicidal idiot on quests, he’d get hurt instead of me taking it, I should take it _

Roman blinked, a cold chill enveloping him.

“What  _ don’t  _ you have here?” A cool voice questioned from behind his ear. Roman shivered, grabbing Deceit’s glove without turning his eyes from the screen. Deceit hissed as he was pulled forward, until he and Roman were side-by-side. “What are you—”

“Deceit.” The snake-like side froze, hearing the restrained emotion in Roman’s voice. He tilted his head, spotting the wetness in the creative side’s eyes. Roman nodded towards the screen. “Did you know about this?”

Deceit glanced at the screen, his eyes carefully scrolling through the lines of text. After about three lines in, his eyes narrowed. Five lines in, and he pushed Roman out of the way, fixing himself in front of the screen, his fist clenched and shaking against the desk.

_ But yeah therapy is bullshit, cross that off the list _

_ Back to square one _

_ Can’t get help, I don’t need it, I don’t know where to go, no one wants me, no one would help me _

_ They can’t know how weak I am _

_ Roman wouldn’t take a suicidal idiot on quests, he’d get hurt instead of me taking it, I should take it _

_ Logan’d ignore me, he hates emotions _

_ Dee’s fucking self-preservation, no matter how much he hates me, I’d be on suicide watch _

_ The only reason I won’t try hanging, if it fails I’m stuck there till someone finds me, then what _

_ I should just keep hiding it _

_ I CAN’T HIDE IT   
I’ve been hiding it for years _

_ I’m tired _

_ I can’t _

Suddenly Deceit stood straight up and made for the doorway. His posture was straight, but he was moving too quick to be as calm and composed as he looked.

“Deceit?”   
“ _ Don’t _ keep reading,” Deceit commanded. “I  _ won’t  _ be back when I find your idiot brother.”

He stepped into the hallway and turned around the corner, his cape flying dramatically out behind him. His steps increased in pace as they faded away. Roman’s stomach felt tied in a knot, but he turned his attention back to the document and forced himself to continue.

_ I hate myself _

_ I don’t _

_ I don’t like what I’ve become _

_ Thoughts scribbled on the walls, echoing through my head _

_ Can’t sleep, or sleep without nightmares _

_ Voices, voices I can’t ignore, sounds don’t drown them out _

_ Always saying the same things, always saying worse things _

_ Creativity, huh _

_ Maybe one half of it is worthless _

_ I could have been so much more _

_ I’m cold _

_ I’m so cold _

_ This isn’t helping _

_ I don’t know what will help _

_ This is too hard _

_ I don’t know _

_ I don’t know what I can do _

_ People are laughing in the other rooms, they’re laughing at me; it’s not a good laugh _

_ I usually like when they laugh, why is this different, why does it hurt _

_ Can’t leave the room without seeing faces and thinking they’re wishing me dead _

_ Can’t eat without thinking of it _

_ Can’t walk the imagination without conjuring death traps _

_ And this room is a prison _

_ This life is a prison _

_ I’d have to die to escape it _

_ I don’t want to _

_ I don’t want to leave them, this is family _

_ Is it? _

_ If it is, am I part of it? _

_ No _

_ If I was, I would know _

Roman sighed. They needed a serious family discussion after this. And lots of Disney movies.

_ There’s nothing I can do _

_ I need out _

_ I just kjfdnvdxkjfv _

_ What do I do _

_ Who do I go to _

_ I don’t go to anyone _

_ I stay like this _

_ No one will fix this _

_ This is life _

_ This is pain _

_ Brief moments of joy, but still pain _

_ Sure there’s movie nights and pizza, and being tolerated even a little _

_ Brief distractions, my only escape, and even then, it’s not enough _

_ I can still hear the voices, I still can’t avoid the thoughts _

_ They don’t want me bothering them all the time; they have goals, dreams to reach, work to do _

_ They make the most of life while I wither away and hold them back _

_ That’s all I ever do _

_ That’s all _

Roman heard footsteps in the distance and spun around in the chair. The familiar cackling of his brother sounded down the hallway, getting nearer and nearer. Suddenly Deceit was there, his hand clenching Remus’s wrist with the grip of a boa constrictor. Remus had that chaotic darkness in his eyes as he laughed away his confusion at Deceit’s intense glare. Deceit practically threw him in the room, slamming the door shut behind them and standing in the way, blocking off the exit. Remus just looked confused and mildly amused, until his eyes caught sight of Roman — and the open, half-read document on his computer screen.

His shoulders seemed to slump, and the grin was wiped off his face. “Oh.”

Roman was up on his feet with his arms thrown around his brother before Remus could process anything. Roman’s heart was pounding; he knew that whatever was going on in Remus’s head, it would take a lot more than just a hug to fix. He didn’t know where to go from here, but all he knew was he couldn’t afford to make another mistake; he couldn’t let his brother fall victim to such despair, not while he was around. He was terrified to release his twin from his arms, afraid to let him get too far away. Roman realized what it must feel like to be Virgil, stuck in a state of constant nerves, because he didn’t think he’d ever be able to let his brother out of his sight again. He would be forever afraid of letting him go, of knowing that what happened behind closed doors was something even he couldn’t protect Remus from.

“Look, uh…” Remus put his hands on Roman’s shoulders and pushed him away, looking uncomfortable. “I know this sounds strange coming from  _ me  _ of all people, but… Can we just… not make this weird?”

Roman blinked, silent for a few moments as the question processed. “... Not make this weird?” Remus nodded hopefully. “... Remus, I just found out my twin’s been trying to commit suicide. How can I not make this  _ ‘weird’ _ ?”

Remus looked away. “I dunno, just — don’t make a big deal out of it, it’s just a mood. It’ll pass.”

“When, Remus?”

The keeper of intrusive thoughts shrugged dejectedly. “I dunno. But — it’s fine.”

“This is not  _ fine _ ,” Deceit snapped, his voice completely lacking in sarcasm or lies. Remus shot him a look of betrayal, but Deceit didn’t budge. “You’ve kept this from me, Remus. I understand Roman, but  _ me _ ? About something this serious? No. I’m not taking your side. As a matter of fact…” Deceit snapped, and suddenly there were three more sides in the room. Virgil was sitting on the floor, looking up startled with a tub of ice cream in his lap and a spoon in his mouth. Patton had oven mitts on — Roman only hoped he’d already taken whatever he was making out of the oven — and Logan had a book in his hands, which he closed with a sigh.

“What’s all this about?”

Remus made for the computer but Roman jumped in the way, blocking his desperate attempts to get to the mouse, the power button, anything to keep them from seeing what was on the screen.

“Deceit! Help!” Roman yelled.

Two seconds later, Deceit had all six of his arms wrapped around Remus’s torso and was tugging him in the opposite direction while he kicked and flailed, screeching in an attempt to distract them, to no avail. Meanwhile, Roman started printing out the document, while the other three watched curiously at Remus’s agitation.

“LET ME GO!” He shrieked, turning his head to let the volume enter Deceit’s ear directly, like it might cause him to loosen his grip. But Deceit didn’t flinch. “DEE-DEE, LET ME GO OR I’LL CONJURE A WORM UP YOUR BUTTHOLE!”

Deceit rolled his eyes and responded, his words dripping with sarcasm. “While that would be  _ lovely _ , Remus, I unfortunately  _ don’t  _ care more for you than I do my own pride. A mindset you would do well to follow.”

“Remus…?” Patton had read a few lines of the copy Roman shoved in his hands, and was now looking at the creative side with eyes of sorrow. “Kiddo, what’s all this about?”

“Nothing,” Remus snapped, though he met Patton’s eyes for the tiniest moment and now his face was scrunched in guilt.

“This isn’t  _ nothing _ ,” Virgil growled from over Patton’s shoulder. He snatched the paper and scanned a few lines, then glared back up at Remus. There was a dark edge to his voice. “This is serious. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“It’s… just intrusive thoughts, right?” Remus laughed. “It’s my role.”

“Kiddo,” Patton moved over and placed a hand on his shoulder, making the creative side flinch. “It’s not your role to be miserable.” Remus fell silent, dropping his eyes to the floor. Patton sighed and pulled him into a hug, but his body tensed up instead of relaxing like he’d hoped.

“Damn it, Re… You… What if I’d lost you?!” Roman snapped. His mind flew back to those lines talking about suicide attempts, and his blood went cold. He could feel his body freezing up, as the gravity of the situation hit him. He hunched over, his arms wrapping around himself. “Oh, god.”

Remus blinked. “Ro?” He broke out of Patton’s hold and made a move toward his twin, who lowered himself to his knees. Roman looked up at his brother, eyes wide and full of tears.

“I could have lost you,” he whispered. Remus felt a jab to his heart. Roman  _ cared _ .

“I…”

“Did you ever think of that?” Roman chuckled humorlessly. “What you would’ve done to me? To us?! Let alone Thomas — did you ever think what you’d be doing to our family?!”   
“That’s  _ all  _ I thought about,” Remus replied.

“Then either you hate us, or you’re  _ blind _ ,” Roman snapped.

“I don’t hate any of you.”

“Then you’re blind if you can’t see we feel the same.” Remus looked away. “Re. Look at me.” He obliged. Roman’s eyes were pleading. “We.  _ Love  _ you, Re. I wouldn’t want a world without you in it. And it kills me that you think I would. I came here today because I wanted to spend time with my only twin. Imagine if I had come here to find I no longer had one.” His voice broke. “Remus, I need you.” His eyes started filling with tears, which he tried to wipe away harshly, only causing his eyes to turn red. He held back a sob. Patton dropped to his side on the floor and pulled him into a hug, and he broke down.

Remus looked distressed. Logan walked up to him and held his hands in his own. “Remus. What you are feeling may be a result of your function, in part, but that does not mean it can’t be lessened so you are able to experience peace. We can work with you on this. If you don’t want to do it for yourself, do it for Roman.” Remus looked down at his brother, who was sobbing into Patton’s shoulder. He winced. He didn’t like seeing his brother like that. Roman was strong; Remus regretted ever making him feel down.

“... Work on it how?”

“Every person has different needs,” Logan responded. “We can try therapy—”

“No.”   
“Remus —” Deceit began to interject, but Logan held up a hand to silence him.

“Very well. We won’t try to do anything you disagree with; that would just be counterproductive. Perhaps one day we can move on to therapy, but if you’re against it, we can start simple.”

“Like what?”

“Like this.” Logan gently pulled him into a hug. Remus froze at once, but he slowly brought his arms around Logan to reciprocate. He looked down at Roman, hesitant, and then melted into Logan’s embrace.

Virgil watched from a distance, the remainder of the papers in his and Deceit’s hands. They’d read all the way to the bottom. Virgil’s stomach felt tied in knots. This wasn’t something that just went away. And he was scared to death by the prospect of what was to come.

Deceit was suddenly at his side, and he jumped. The snake-like side met his eyes, then gestured toward Remus. “You and I will have to be more careful with him. He didn’t ask for us to come in here today, and I can assure you he’s not appreciative of it.”

Virgil looked up at Remus, who had relaxed into Logan’s arms. But he wasn’t speaking, and he had shed no tears. Numbness was more dangerous than grief. And Remus and “calm” didn’t go well together,  _ ever _ .

“He may be honest to a fault, but he’s not stupid, and clearly he hides more than we give him credit for. The others will coddle him all they want, and he’ll fool them into thinking he’s safe when he’s not. I’ll alert Sleep so we’re not alone, but… I’ll need your help. Can I count on you?” He reached out a hand.

Virgil swallowed. He still wasn’t exactly fond of Deceit, given their history — nor Remus, for that matter, but…

He shook Deceit’s hand once, then stepped away and began fiddling with his sleeve. “Yeah, sure, whatever.”

... But he could never say no to that.

Because as dark and antisocial as he liked to appear, his first instinct was always to protect.

* * *

_ When do I stop _

_ Do I stop typing when I feel better _

_ It’s not going to happen _

_ What am I doing _

_ NOTHING makes it better _

_ Can’t even get peace in dying _

_ Do I erase this when I’m done _

_ Should I copy all and hit backspace _

_ Will that fix it _

_ I should go to the fucking therapist again, but then what _

_ Do I joke _

_ Do I lie _

_ Is it all meaningless _

_ How do I get out of this _

_ KJSRnmfc _

_ Just end it all _

_ I’m Creativity, I should be able to break free of this _

_ Why is it so hard _

_ How did I make it this long _

_ I’ve felt this way for so long _

_ How did I make it _

_ So many years, I never thought I’d make it through _

_ Thought Patton would finish the job _

_ Maybe even Roman, to get rid of me at last _

_ I wish we could be together again _

_ But he hates me _

_ Everyone hates me _

_ As they should _

_ I deserve death _

_ I deserve nothing _

_ I don’t know why I’m here _

_ I don’t belong _

_ No one wants me _

_ I can see it in their eyes _

_ I can hear it in their sighs _

_ I can feel it in their presence _

_ People don’t want me around _

_ I want to go away, for them _

_ I should _

_ But I can’t _

_ I’m sorry _

_ If I just banged my head on the desk until I bled _

_ Would that end it _

_ Should I _

_ Would they hear _

_ Dee would panic _

_ Not because he cares _

_ But because it’s his job _

_ And the others will be more scared of me _

_ Hell, they’re already scared of me, who gives a shit _

_ Apparently I do _

_ Not that that makes sense _

_ I really don’t make sense _

_ If I succeed Patton might come in and see a dead body _

_ He doesn’t deserve this _

_ He doesn’t need me in here _

_ I can’t stab myself to death, maybe I can— _

_ No I’ll get found, bad idea _

_ I’ll be locked away for life, that’s kinky but not so fun after a few years _

_ Then I’ll never get out _

_ I don’t know what to do _

_ I’m so cold _

_ I can’t die _

_ Is there any peace without death _

_ I don’t think so _

_ I reread all of this, and I feel nothing _

_ I should feel something _

_ Why can’t I feel _

_ Why _

_ Why _

_ Pojfdskdmcslkdnmfklmdv _

_ I can’t ijkvdnlskdvjmtrnvldksladdl’;plpfp;;;;;;l;mvpwtiu _

_ I  _

**Author's Note:**

> {The concept might seem strange, because it's not your traditional diary-reading or suicidal note-finding fanfic. That's because this isn't based on a cliche; it's based on real life. Not the event that unfolded, but the document itself. And when it happened, I couldn't help but wonder what would've happened if the document was tweaked to come from a different perspective. And I needed some angst. So, ta-da! More self-serving angst. Enjoy.}
> 
> https://www.quotev.com/story/12286900/Sanders-Sides-Stories-One-Shots/9
> 
> [News for Sanders Sides fans: I'm working on a massive four-book college AU! Would you like to create original characters to make minor or major appearances? Would you just like a name to be featured as an easter egg? Or do you have any ideas you'd like me to slip in? Leave me a comment or go to my profile. Follow this link for more information, and shoot me a message on Quotev! If you don't have a Quotev account, you can contact me through the comments here or by emailing Zukithechosenone@gmail.com.]


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